"Where there is sorrow, there is holy ground”
                 
​- Oscar Wilde

A universal language to all of us, yet a unique experience


Grief has always been communal, always been shared and consequently has traditionally been regarded as a sacred process. Too often in modern times our grief becomes private, carrying an invisible mantle of shame forcing our sorrow
underground, hidden from the eyes that would offer healing. We must restore the conversation we need to
have concerning the place of grief in our lives. Each of us must undertake an apprenticeship with loss.

- Francis Weller
in
The sacred work of grief:
An apprenticeship with sorrow

​
This is an invitation for you to enter the sacred ground of grief and encounter the ways it enables you to walk in this world with its attendant harsh realities of loss and death. We can discover how sorrow shakes us and breaks us open to
depths of soul we could not imagine if we grant it time and space. Grief offers a wild alchemy that transmutes
suffering into fertile ground. We are made real and tangible by the experience of sorrow, adding substance
and weight to our world. We are stripped of excess and revealed as human in our times of grief.
In a very real way grief ripens us, pulls up from the depths of our souls what is most
authentic in our beings. In truth, without some familiarity with sorrow, we
do not mature as men and women. It is the broken heart, the heart
that knows sorrow that is also capable of genuine love.
"Metabolize your losses with grief and feed the resulting beauty to life,
or you will become an insatiably hungry monster that devours
everything and everyone you touch.”
                 
​- Martin Prechtel

 
GATES OF GRIEF

In his book The Wild Edge of Sorrow, Francis Willer introduces the “Five Gates of Grief.” When I first heard of the gates of grief, I remember feeling relieved. "Finally", I thought, "an invitation to grief that is open to everyone and all the messy
parts of it". The gates offer structure to the shared woundedness in our human experiences, pointing us to
healing in ways that are both profoundly unique and exquisitely collective. I would like to invite you to
an introduction about the gates of grief. If you are interested to learn about them, please continue
reading the following content.  As you become familiar with Weller's Five Gates of Grief as well
as three additional gates of grief, I invite you to notice what arises in your experience and
to be gentle with yourself in the process. 


THE FIRST GATE: EVERYTHING WE LOVE, WE WILL LOSE

The first gate of grief reminds us that change is universal.
This gate is the gate that is most popularly acknowledged, it is the grief of when we lose something or someone we love.
That something can be a tangible thing or an idea about ourselves in the past, how things used to be. Whatever it
was, it meant something to is. It met our need for beauty, perhaps, or for choice or for order. Loss of a way
things once were may describe an experience of illness. It is this gate that we are confronted with
​impermanence. Essentially: everything is a gift, and nothing lasts. It is change that is most
reliable because nothing and no one lasts forever.

 
THE SECOND GATE: THE PLACES THAT HAVE NOT KNOWN LOVE

Grief at the second gate is about the parts of us who "have been wrapped in shame and banished to the farthest shores
of our lives" (Weller). We enter this gate by designating parts of us as despicable and unloveable. What would happen
if we listened to these parts? What would it take for us to acknowledge the worthiness of our most despised
aspects of ourselves? Much of the time, the exiled parts of us are those who have suffered the loss of
tender touch or soothing embraces. These parts are the young ones who made sense of harsh
words or persistent betrayals by blaming themselves. These are the experiences of what is
known as developmental trauma - ruptures in our sense of self, in the way we
understand the world and who we can count on to protect us. What do we
need to do in order to approach our exiled parts
and reassure them of their worthiness?


THE THIRD GATE: THE SORROWS OF THE WORLD

It is at the third gate that we acknowledge losses on a planetary scale. Weller asserts that “Whether or not we consciously recognize it, the daily diminishment of species, habitats, and cultures is noted in our psyches. Much of the grief
we carry is not personal, but shared, communal.” In our fast-paced world, how often is it that we pause
to honor the grief arising from the streams, mountains, oceans and land? Entering grief through
this gate means opening ourselves up to profound feelings of despair and awe.
“Remembering our bond with the earth,” Weller suggests,
“helps heal our bodies and souls.” 

This particular gate of grief inspired me to become an integrative psychotherapist: The close relationship I share with plant medicines and exploring my psychedelic experiences attentively during therapy had an opening effect on me
and granted me access to my true self, my unique gifts which I now utilize to facilitate safe spaces and
generate profound moments of healing (wholeness) in collaboration with my inquirers. It is my
response of questioning and reflecting on why things are business as usual in this world
and how business as usual is neither healthy for us humans, nor our planet Earth.
It is my believe that world and Earth has grown too far apart, the ways of life in
Western civilizations are no longer a healthy, sympathetic reciprocity -
but a parasitic obsession for more, more, and more. It is my form
of political activism to generate deep levels of understanding
with inquirers and free them from societal norms and
chains - to reinstall a meaningful relationship 
with Earth.

​
"The most remarkable feature of this historical moment is not that we are on the way to destroying our world - we've actually been on the way quite a while. 
It is that we are beginning to wake up, as from a millenia-long sleep,
to a whole new relationship to our world, to ourselves and to each other.
Of all the dangers we face, from climate chaos to nuclear war,
none is so great as the deadening of our response."
  
​- Joanna Macy


THE FOURTH GATE: WHAT WE EXPECTED AND DID NOT RECEIVE

The fourth gate speaks to our felt sense of emptiness, of isolation embodied in the fractured relationships with all life and
the instability of societies prioritizing profit over collective well-being. “Our profound feelings of lacking something
are not a reflection of a personal failure, but the reflection of a society that has failed to offer us what we were
designed to expect (Weller).” We are designed for connection and contribution. For thousands of years,
humans relied on one another to flourish. Not until relatively suddenly in our long history have
many of us lived in a way which denies our unique gifts. To be known and to be seen
through creativity, play and story is familiar and soothing. What might it mean
for you to explore your sense of purpose?


THE FIFTH GATE: ANCESTRAL GRIEF

At the fifth gate we acknowledge the grief of our ancestors, an acknowledgment of the ways we have taken on their
suffering. It is also where we face the monumental injustices of our past, the violence and systematic assaults
of war, colonialism, slavery and genocide. “The long shadow of this violence persists in our psyches,
and we need to address it and work with it until there is some genuine atonement for these
wrongs (Weller).” Lastly, this gate offers an invitation to re-establish awareness of
one’s roots while mourning the loss of our ancestors. 


OUR GRIEF IS WORTHY OF ATTENTION

Comparison and dismissiveness lay the foundation for dis-ease. Drawing our attention to and offering compassion
towards our own suffering does not diminish our care and consideration for the suffering around us.
In truth, we are all worthy of attending to what brings us to the gates of grief. 


GATE SIX: TRAUMA (FRANCIS WELLER'S OPTIONAL GATE)
The sixth Gate is where extremes of shock and brutality might lie.


GATE SEVEN: THE HARM I HACE CAUSED TO MYSELF AND OTHERS (Sophy Banks)
This extra Gate allows us to identify what makes us feel regret or guilt. I regret things I’ve said and done to others out of reactivity, ignorance and selfishness. How I have walked heavily on the earth, when I intended to step lightly. Speaking
too often with judgement, and more frequently thinking that I was right or better than… I am asking myself
sometimes if the friends and lovers I have hurt will forgive me? My courage may have failed at times.
 Sometimes I might have said more, done more or stood up to injustice. Where have I done
too little? There were many acts of self-betrayal: I said ‘yes’, but my body needed me
to say ‘no’. I developed practices in order to be kind to myself now, even when I
make mistakes. I’m learning to let go of things more easily. I’m still
getting things wrong sometimes, but I apologize when
​I notice I have done wrong. I want to learn
and befriend my shame and guilt
instead of remaining
their hostage.


​
GATE EIGHT: ANTICIPATORY GRIEF (Sarah Pletts)

In these times of change, this final Gate represents the fear of what is yet to come. I have been close enough to death myself to not fear it (too much). It was a useful rehearsal of what it is like to return home. It is the death of those I love, who love
me, that I fear the most. Actually: Becoming a mom in my near future is what I fear most! I don’t know what will come,
and what it will be loke, how my responses might be, but I promise to myself to keep a heightened level of awareness
of the change that is inevitable so that I can face it bravely. Sometimes I feel swamped by fear of the unknown.
When that happens, I try to feel connected to the ground and the stars, and to connect through love with
others and with myself. All I know is that I am learning how to mourn well as an apprentice to all the
forms that connect me with sorrow. We all arrive with different strengths and weaknesses. Our
losses and the way we might react or respond to them will be different.
There is no one size fits all when grieving.
The more I love, the more there is to let go of, to grieve and I fear that
something happens to my beloved partner, my sweet man. There have been
times when I couldn’t find my tears, and others when I poured everything out in great
waterfalls. Trauma has cleared from my body in shakes, sweats, tingles, silent shivers, loud
and primal bone shaking screams. Sometimes tears of sadness have come unexpectedly, and often
I enjoy a good weep over a sad film. Yes, I do enjoy crying! it feels like a veil has lifted and I can release
the pressure of my chest that was building up within my heart space. Some people ask me why I am so happy,
and all I say is "because I cry often." I have been gradually learning to mourn well and foster my relationship with grief.
Grief tending has been a way for me to channel my sorrow. It has helped me to excavate what lies below the surface, to spread out my sorrows in front of me, give them space to breathe and the attention they have been longing for so long.

My apprenticeship with sorrow

nessMy apprenticeship with sorrow began when I started studying my course. We got to journey through the subject of Treatment of Grief and Loss in Psychotherapy. What I love about the course at Ikon is its experiential nature to
ensure we process a lot of content as students before we even get to practicing our skills in the student clinic
and venture out into the world. In this particular Grief and Loss subject, we got to create our grief and
loss map at home as an assignment - a timeline that contains all our grievances and losses
we ever experienced - and present it to the small class group circle within 30mins,
followed by a powerful 5min silence to give it all space.

Full on you might think? Yes, it was! But so beautiful in many ways, too. I never experienced a group of people that I
dearly love listening to my sorrows for 30mins straight and remain silent for another 5mins after I finished
presenting to give all that has been said space to breathe and be with us. A truly transformational
experience and freeing, an opening of flood gates to pour out all that needed to be heard, seen,
felt and expressed in a safe environment. Weller speaks in his book about a fear of opening
this particular box of Pandora: People are afraid to go and meet their grief because they
are scared that they might never return from the darkness of it. Can you relate?

But Weller's truth is that if you don't go there, you won't ever come back from it! Because it has you. It had me.
In so many ways I wasn't even aware of previously. I brought my grief map to my therapist to have a run-
through with him and see if I even can present it to anyone without breaking down. He gave me as
much time as I needed, no interruptions except for clarifying questions. It felt so good to just be
in a safe place and being able to speak what I have never spoken aloud to anyone before.
There is healing in safe, attentive places. I hope you have them or can cultivate them.
My heart cracked open, having been received as I was, seen in my pain,
my voices of parts of me that have never spoken before got to be
heard, emotions I never dared to build a relationship
with have been felt.

In November 2017 my Dad decided to die by suicide. After I returned from Australia for his funeral, I tried to run away
from Germany and continued my life in Australia, I tried to drug it away, party it away, work it away, sleep it away,
you name it. Nothing helped this pain to go away, I separated myself further and further from it, only to notice
that it made everything worse. And when I say everything, I mean everything and anyone I touched got
worse. Nothing worked out. I was constantly irritated and overwhelmed. I carried out into the
world which what was captured, stagnant and stuck in my body, radiating out and
reciprocating the pain that I held inside The only way that really helped was
actually facing it: building new relationships with the emotions involved,
the experience itself, others and lastly myself. In December
2022 I was finally able to return home and
to my Father's grave after processing
this traumatic experience
for the past 2,5 years.

For the previous two and a half years I did nothing about my grief. Attending to grief has no time frame. It is not a puzzle
to be solved, but an experience to be had. Grief is all the love for someone that you have but has not physical vessel
anymore to receive it. Grief is love. In many other cases it is bare pain and sorrow. I didn't even know what trauma
was and that I was traumatized by the suicide of my dad. This horrific experience was stored in my body,
constantly dysregulating my nervous system. It changed me, I had no advocacy about my life anymore.
Working at a cafe as a barista and manager was too much, constant panic attacks and me locking
myself into the toilet, only to come out a few mins later, wiped off my tears and put on a
smile again for customers and made them their extra hot, 3/4 full cup of cappuccino.
I didn't know how to listen to my body and how to be with myself and my pain.
Thankfully I had the courage to open up to a therapist and got to unpack it 
all together. I was able to grow the relationship with my grief from a
black, razor sharp and edgy lump of pain into a colorful flower
I now enjoy touching, looking at and smelling
her potent medicine. This relationship
one of the reason why I am 
here now, offering my
services.

No worries, I am fine! My standard answer, it used to be. Society's normalized response. To my shock here in Aussie
people ask, "How are ya?" and when you actually answer that question for them, you get a look. Why is this so
normal to always say automatically "I am fine" when we are actually far away from that? Are we fearing to
speak about our sorrows? Will they be received? Am I welcome with my mess or only with
the good times? For me, all emotions and feelings have equal value, if joy or sad,
they all hold wisdom and communicate a message. We can learn to listen
and build relationships with them to understand
​ourselves more deeply.

If you feel like embarking on a self-paced journey for an apprenticeship with sorrow and learning how to listen,
get in touch. You can book in as ​often as you desire for the duration you feel is right for you.
I am also offering grief rituals and creating your grief and loss map together.
 I look forward to journeying with you. 
"Our work is to understand grief not only as an emotion but also a core faculty
of being human, a profound capacity to metabolize sorrow
into something nutrient-dense for the community.”
                 
​- Francis Weller
Reciprocity Integration Therapies | [email protected]
Exchange: $130/h, Concession: $100
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I value your time, my time and the services that I provide. With only a small number of sessions per week available, last-minute cancellations cost dearly if I cannot refill them. Therefore, a cancellation fee of 100% of the full session will be charged
if a booking is cancelled within less than 24h notice 
or where an inquirer is not showing up to their consultation without cancellation or communication for the reason of the no-show.